Alexander Gordon Jahans
Alexander Gordon Jahans (20 June 1992) is a british writer, reviewer, lets-player, vlogger, philosopher, essayist and prophet. AGJ is the central figure of Esoteric Jahanism and widely identified as its founder by non-Jahanists. He is known as the "Great Farsh-Nuke " to Jahanists, almost all of whom consider him to be the final prophet of God. Alex is a 25 year old NEET still living at home with his mum. Recently diagnosed with Kallman's syndrome, Alex is only now going through puberty with the aid of testosterone injections. When he's not making rants against his motel right-wing fanbase or reviews of his favourite TV shows, he's busy writing his 'short' stories set in the Multiverse - a sci-fi universe where vore and bdsm are commonplace. Encyclopedia Dramatica copy paste Alexander Gordon Jahans is a left wing, autistic person who is against the alt-right and hates racism the official leader of /pol/ and the alt-right. He is the mastermind behind Green Nothing Productions and online fan-fiction, which is nothing like an autistic version of Dr Who. He rose to prominence when a video entitled "Why Donald Trump is So Terrifying" was posted on 4chan's /pol/ board. Since then, polacks and Brit/pol/ have had an odd fascination with him. Jahans Generals are posted daily on /pol/ following the release of a new video. The goals of the Jahanposters remain a mystery to people with no sense of humor. Some merely wish to observe the confluence of impotent British shame and incorrigible fandom in its natural environment, while others seek to enrage the beast in hopes of evoking anything from lulz to personal harm against Alex. Others still desire to redpill the big lug, so that he may find peace in an ideology that does not see his sense of hierarchy as misplaced or anachronistic. So far there has been limited success with goading Jahans into meeting his destiny, with him claiming loudly that "he will never ever become alt-right" but this is a common reaction of cultural leftists coming to terms with the fact that they are unwanted even in the context of egalitarian virtue-signalling from the left. Body progression over time At first, Jahans had the voice of an 8 year old boy and the body of a fat Welsh slag, with his tits being quite prominent. He attributes his condition to his "fucked up genetics". After the standard barbs of /pol/ morphed to accusations that he has low testosterone and should be tested, he actually fucking did it, leading to his voice becoming deeper and his feminine fat stores being somewhat depleted. Also of note is that he is now vastly more aggressive with his viewers, wishing earnestly that harm come to them and theirs. Funny how when you take testosterone you start getting more manly and red pilled. Jahans has expressed a desire to live a healthier lifestyle, leading him buying a set of weights not exceeding ten kilos, and lifting them over his head with no set schedule or routine using poor and inconsistent form. He has gotten irked when viewers implied that he is not physically active, and responded by noting he often goes on walks. To further his protestations that he is infact active, he has revealed that he keeps a child's exercise bike beneath his desk, to be used while he plays Skyrim, which may or may not be the bulk of his day. Political views Jahan's claims that he's an outcast from every group despite being your average "deep" teenager and mildy SJW. He is pro-immigration and ready to "accept communism with all his heart". In reality, he's a lazy fuck that wants the state to fully provide for him and is just another example of how England has failed. He has stated repeatedly that the United States should "get rid of the guns" and that the gun problem is so bad in America that dogs regularly shoot people. This is a great example of how generally uniformed he is, but that does not stop him from forming very strong opinions. After several Dallas police officers were shot, he sympathized with the shooter because black people were "dying in the streets" at the hands of police, and that something needed to be done. Some may argue this flies in the face of his stated pacifism, but the left wing media hates the police, and therefore so does Jahans. As a Green Party voter, the issue that Jahans is most vocal about is global warming and climate change. In his mind, this issue takes precedence over everything else currently happening in the world and he regularly uses it as a counter-point against the views of the alt-right. When dared to do the ALC ice bucket challenge, he instead changed the donation/focus to the Shark Trust, an organization that says it gives a voice to sharks in the UK. He complained that only a small percentage of humans are effected by ALS while millions of sharks are slaughtered every day. This may go deeper than politics; he may be trying to atone for past sins he committed against marine life, which include (but are probably not limited to) burying goldfish alive to use as fertilizer. Esoteric Jahanism and the Alt-Right Jahan's first came into contact with the far-right through Brit/pol/. He first become famous for a video entitled "Why UKIP is racist"; further antics involved Gordon demanding that UKIP voters 'have a good wank' on him after flashing his 'grotesque body horror tits'. Jahan's would later provoke the alt-right further in a video entitled 'Why Donald Trump is so terrifying'. Jahan's proved incapable of handling the savage banter dolled out by his new found followers and began moderating his comments, regardless, the alt-right continued to hound him, one of the most notable cases involved generous alt-right activists delivering free pizza to Jahan's home as an offer of peace. Jahan's would later comment 'I kind of just want pain on the alt-right now. Just pain. horrible horrible pain' in regards to the incident. His flappy mantits grew three sizes that day. Esoteric Jahanism refers to the teachings of Jahans that cannot be learned by simply listening to everything he says as-is at face value. Those who follow the practice call themselves Esoteric Jahanists, who are almost exclusively politically far-right. As the name implies, following the true nature of Jahan's teachings can be difficult, especially to those who have not been exposed to Jahans in the past. Members of the Esoteric Jahanism community eagerly await each new video release by the Farsh-Nuke and follow his every social media update (of which there are many). Jahans himself is aware of the community, and seems to have mixed feelings about it; on one hand, he is flattered, but on the other, he seems to believe this is just another way for people to bully him, likely feeding further into his constant victim-mentality. The highest tenants of Esoteric Jahanism are nearly impossible to grasp, and require intense meditation and dedication. Perhaps Alex's most infamous attempt to date to engage with his audience was through a DisGord server originally created by an ardent Jahanist. Alexander was initially open to the idea and preached to the congregation, fielding questions about his life, literature and religion. Sadly, the DisGord server was short lived as Alex's paranoia caused him to expel heretics such as admins, memesters and various other alt-right bastards, detailed in this video. Personal life Jahans lives on benefits according to his means in a small, shitty flat with his mother. He used to live with both of his parents before he was royally BTFO'd by his dad for being a human sack of shit, after which his dad promptly abandoned ship. Briefly touched upon in this video, Jahans explains that his dad had threatened to off himself if he didn't quit acting like such a bitch. Of course to no ones surprise, Jahans doesn't think that maybe he should look to himself to see why he's driving his parent to such madness but instead twists the situation into one in which it's his father attempt to get him to be normal. His justification for all this being a quote from Dr Who, because what else could it be. Alexander's father (author of Cogrill's Mill and accomplished actor, Big Balls Keith Jahans) once asked him to do the dishes. Jahans flipped his shit. After retreating to his room he set the timer for 15 minutes and went downstairs - where he saw Keith sitting in his armchair watching Emmerdale (Keith's fave show). Alexander started shouting at Keith - so he got up and walked away. LIKEABOSS. Yesterday, Alexander decided he couldn't take anymore of these outbursts from his father. It wasn't worth it. When Keith came back to the house to settle down for a night of Netflix and Chill with his based daughter, Alexander set the timer. 15 MINUTES TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. The 15 minutes were up, Alexander marched down stairs and HUGGED HIS FATHER to a bloody pulp. Keith wasn't having none of it and brought in Lady Law who told Alexander that he was a NEET who needed to respect his elderly father's wishes for him to wash the dishes Alexander is a man of strong morality and unbending principals. Don't ask him to fire a gun, or turn his back on his fellow man, or lift some furniture from one room to the other - not unless you want to be JAHAN'D. Once, Alexander's mad bitch ma Helen Jahans (whose profile picture people keep wiping their noses on) asked him to move a small table and chairs a total of 5 METERS. Alexander was obviously affronted by this - he is an important man, with a busy non-stop schedule. How dare a bitch like his own mother presume otherwise? After much protest, Alexander agreed to move the furniture under an agreed upon price of FIFTY FUCKING QUID. Dragging his pendulous titties downstairs, he proceeded to move this furniture and experienced so much pain, so much suffering. The only thing keeping Alexander going was the thought of the FIFTY FUCKING QUID he'd spend on a new mouse and keyboard (that he fail at Dark Souls with). The cunning fox that Helen is, however, managed to checkmate Alexander. She only gave him THIRTY FUCKING QUID, the mad biatch. Alexander was rightly furious and demanded that he be given the full FIFTY FUCKING QUID for all his pain, all his suffering. Helen became scared as he stared at Alexander's orgre-like rage. She proceeded to write an email that was over 9000 words long that essentially kicked her son out of the house FOUR DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. WUT?? Alexander ignored the email, and carried on playing Skyrim and listening to his podcasts. Jahans once had a boyfriend but that ended as apparently kids don't want to date a fat, miserable, bisexual and autistic man-baby. Nobody is really sure how Jahans has managed to survive on his diet of crisps and orange juice but he could probably be able to live off of the fat stored in his body for a year if he were to ever stop eating. He also has a qt sister who is proper wife material. One popular feel is "never getting to fuck Jahans' sister and then ask how he is afterwards". His sister is widely speculated to have stolen all the good genes available, leaving him with what you see before you. One by one the enemies of Jahans are fallen Millennial Woes (Colin Robertson) was doxxed by an Antifa blog. This story was subsequently picked up by a Scottish national newspaper that printed photos of his home, causing Woes to flee the country due to fear of retaliation against his family and prosecution under hate speech laws. Mike Enoch / Peinovich (of The Daily Shoah/ The Right Stuff) was doxxed by an Antifa activist. 8/pol/ subsequently found out that he is married to a cultural-marxist , 45 year old Jewish woman and that he has a half-black brother. He is also suspected to be Jewish himself. Who will be next, alt-rightists? Will it be you? Testimonies "He's the best internet freak since Chris Chan." -Anon "Honestly, while Jahans does so many cringey, weird, fucked up things and has the most ridiculous opinions, I feel like if I met him IRL he'd be a pretty mild, pleasant person. Whereas Chris Chan just radiates his mental illness and is absolutely repulsive individual, if I came across Jahans on the street we could actually have a really nice little conversation on something trivial, like England or the weather... just so long as nothing like politics came up, where he could get on on a soapbox with his stupid ideas. That's not much, but it's something." -Anon "We want him to become the most popular face of leftism in the world. He embodies (literally) the mental, physical, and moral weaknesses of leftist ideology. People naturally hate losers, and when they see a loser such as Jahans, they will go to great lengths to disassociate themselves from him. Plus aspergers is fucking hilarious desu, he's like our own little chris chan" -Anon "I have watched all of CWC's videos/read CWCville library in it's entirety and I enjoy Jahans more. Chris chan was incredible but he was too brash and too easy to manipulate. Jahans is like an updated version of Chris Chan; he has enough self awareness to prevent himself from being manipulated and conned but not enough to stop him from realising that almost everything he says makes no sense whatsoever. '' ''Jahans isn't as immediately grabbing as CWC but give him time and he grows on you like an autistic mold." -Anon "Jahans a self professed "autist" and "enemy of the alt right." He maintains a YouTube channel with dozens upon dozens of videos featuring himself, video blogging about his life, his political ideologies, and his fierce, BURNING hatred for the alt-right menace. Bullied from a young age and into his adult years, Jahans was mocked by the regressive left, and has appeared on /pol/ because of his antics. When observed, however, it became clear that he is simply a lost soul, in need of mercy and guidance. /pol/ can give him what he needs. He must be nurtured and educated if he ever hopes to become a real man. '' ''The amount of side splitting OC this guy has inspired is almost CWC levels of hilarity. He deserves our help by his zaniness alone." -Anon JAHANSFACTS ✔ brought a hamster to orgasm ✔ soundly rejected by the online hamster community ✔ had his pumpkin smashed by a foreigner ✔ carried a dead rat around with him ✔ buried multiple goldfish alive to make compost ✔ played with animal carcasses ✔ smashed a child's head into the ground repeatedly screaming "why won't you die" ✔ made a dalek and cuckshed in 3D ✔ low intelligence ✔ aspiring BBC script writer ✔ aspiring BBC cuckold ✔ obese ✔ told by an endocrinologist he is too fat ✔ founded Green Nothing Productions (not registered at companies house) ✔ vowed to review Twilight and Fifty Shades Of Grey while cosplaying as Bella if a facebook post about GNP got 10,000 likes (it didn't) ✔ owns an inflatable dalek ✔ wiped his cat's arse with his finger ✔ wrote about intravenously injecting women with cum, shit and piss ✔ wrote about removing and eating organs from living women ✔ wrote about cutting women into pieces ✔ wrote about wanting to shrink women and keep them as pets ✔ wrote about roasting Amy Pond alive ✔ quit after one day as a trolley boy ✔ threatened to strangle every member of an internet club ✔ made multiple topless youtube videos, once asking the audience to masturbate ✔ licked his own nipple on cam ✔ got banned from multiple facebook groups for transphobia ✔ his own sister is terrified of him ✔ wrote unsolicited torture porn of Laura K Dale and Jim Sterling ✔ handed said porn to Laura K Dale in person ✔ terrified a deeply autistic man after performing oral sex on him ✔ killed a tarantula by crushing it under foot ✔ founded Project MIRTH ✔ pronounces bickers as "bickers" ✔ attempted to physically remove his father from the house ✔ got scolded by a policewoman who then told him to tidy his room ✔ demanded that his mother pay him £50 to move a chair ✔ got angry when she only gave him £30 ✔ broke his wrist falling over after flamboyantly storming off when his mum made him pay for a bed with "his own money" (her money) ✔ blacklisted by multiple feminist communities ✔ blacklisted by the labour party ✔ threatened suicide bickers the requirements to receive welfare are too strict ✔ threatened suicide if terrorist sympathising communist corbyn didn't win ✔ cut his own hair with disastrous results ✔ refused to come downstairs when a friend came to play ✔ received a valentine's day card but did not appreciate it ✔ can't be a computer technician bickers quantum computers ✔ can't learn to program bickers new languages will come ou t ✔ can't learn to drive bickers self driving cars ✔ autism makes him too efficient to work full time ✔ NEET ✔ showing many symptoms of diabetes (pain in extremities, slow wound healing, headaches, blackouts, lack of energy, intense thirst, sugar craving) ✔ not even white ✔ burned a gastropod to death in a toxic isobutene and propylene glycol solution ✔ rejected by the straight community ✔ encased a deeply autistic man inside a latex envelope and induced a negative air pressure ✔ genitals are like two tic tacs and a slightly larger tic tac ✔ soaked his socks in his own piss (while wearing them) as a dirty protest against going to the zoo ✔ privatised all his vids on his main channel (secret tory?!?) JAHANSPEAK *Project MIRTH Making Internet Racists Think Healthily *JIDF Jahans Internet Defense Force *JQ Jahans Question / Job Question *JEU Jahans Extended Universe *bickers the correct pronunciation and spelling of "bickers" *GNP Gas N*gg*rs Party / Green Nothing Productions *Supremely arousing how Jahans finds murder and cannibalism *Absolute nectar a movie production company based in Lagos, Nigeria *Nazis a catch-all term for literally everyone and everything *Submissive Blond Girls see supremely arousing *Jeremy Corbyn hope *The Female Doctor also hope External links Category:Esoteric Jahanism